It was my fault. I KNEW I shouldn't leave the gallons of expensive shampoo and conditioner with pump-action handles in the shower with monster. What five year old could resist? I was going to keep an eye on him though to make sure he didn't pump all of it down the drain. But then my sister called. I came back and immediately smelled the blackberry volumizing goodness thick in the bathroom.

When I asked him why he did it, he shouted "BUT MOM, I DIDN'T! MY BRAIN MADE ME DO IT!" and then he cried and howled again "My BRAAAAAIN made me do it. Whhhhyyyy?" like it was the biggest tragedy in his young life. Like he's the one who paid a fortune for the toy truck dressing that used to be conditioner.

from our adventure at the butterfly house. the little fella in the top left almost escaped the photo...

And the winner for the worst comment after finding out i'm pregnant with triplets:

"Why don't you get rid or a few of them? Can't they do that?" after I said I wouldn't do that, it continued with "Well, couldn't you give a few up for adoption?".

I didn't really know what to say but "Um, no". I received a book from the triplet connection web site today and I read about selective reduction where they do in essence "get rid of a few" and I found out that you run a really high risk of losing all babies when you do that. I would only do that if I were carrying like 5 or 6 and the doctor said I had to or my/the other babies were in danger if we didn't. I don't believe in abortion. Well, I believe in it - I know it exists. But, I would never do it and I think it is wrong in most circumstances. If you don't, that's fine for you but I wouldn't do it. I still can't believe he said that to me. He just couldn't fathom that I would want to keep them and when I said "Maybe it was meant to be" he said "Ooh, look at you getting all religious". Hmmm... that doesn't sound religious to me, that sounds reasonable. I can't imagine going through life thinking everything happened by accident. Call it spirituality, fate, the holy spirit or whatever you want but things seem to crazy to be coincidence.

BTW- My favorite comment has been "My God, what did Mike do to you?"

the webby awards ballot is always a great place to find new and interesting sites.

this is one.
behemoth is the 61862th most popular word.
tired is 2442nd
love is 384th
ramshackle is 24856th.

H2Oh
Originally uploaded by Kimba No Limba.

I've been drinking lots and lots of water. Before I left the Ob/Gyn's office last week the nurse practioner said "Remember! Water keeps the uterus from contracting!" so, water, water, water. This is just so much fun.

One year ago today, I sent this email:

What can I say about Jimbo that we haven't already said about a million times? I keep thinking about him and smiling over all the stupid, funny shit that we had been through over the years.
Random thoughts:Backing into a car at One Stop while eating a popsicle- much to his amusement. Sitting in his room at his Dad's house playingvideo games and while he sipped his oversized Mountain Dew. His hellacious, stinky-ass, room clearing farts. Triple overtime- >Blues vs. Redwings 1st round playoffs. SCREAMING and cursing when they lost and were eliminated once again. Frisbee Golf at White Birch. That little truck he drove around for years. Moving into our house on Morgan and rigging everything possible with wire hangers. Dressing him up as a knight for Marty and Tracey's wedding and assuring him that he didn't really look silly. Hog Legg Crew. Sitting on the fountains on North Main watching him try and fail tricks on his board. Ho stands for honey, ya'll. Crying over breakups, bragging over hook ups. Mourning when his Grandpa, then his Dad and then his Mom died. Making up silly names for my baby when I was pregnant. Always being able to tell him anything. Never having a real fight and always trusting each other. And in the last few years, looking for glimpses of my friend behind his sad eyes. I'm fucking mad that he did this. I wish he would have called one of us and we could have told him to just wait. But he didn't. His death has been ruled a suicide. You probably know all this but- his 22 year old cousin found him within minutes of him hanging himself. His last words were "You don't know what it is like living without a Mom or Dad". He recently told BJ he felt disconnected from the world. He had been doing a lot of Ecstacy and you should know that Ecstacy depletes the chemicals in your brain that keep you from being deeply depressed. He was recently rejected by a girl. He never could handle rejection. He had a lot of bills. He felt trapped.

I didn't forget that Jimbo died a year ago today. I just didn't know what to say about it. If I could talk to him right now, I'd tell him they cancelled the 04-05 hockey season in his honor. I'd tell him the crazy news that we're having three babies and he'd probably say "Damn, Girl, you are fertile" and then we'd think of names that we wouldn't name them. I'd tell him that nothing has changed and everything has changed since the last time we talked. I'd tell him that I miss him and want him to come home.

Bath

Because having triplets, getting married in one month and finishing off an overloaded sememster isn't stressful enough. We're re-doing the bathroom! It is out of necessity, not purely cosmetic (though I am so glad that ugly, chipped, nasty caulk that pulls away from the edges and grows red mold under it bathtub is now in the front yard collecting rain. hmmm... maybe we can be totally white trash and make it into a giant planter! Nah, I don't think the city would let us).

The thirty year old plumbing in this house just stopped working. We have to replace all the valves, etc. that were behind the wall so it all got ripped out. I hope to soon have a bathtub that I can actually bathe in. I'll still be too tall but there's no room to put in a bigger one- that's the curse of height, only being able to sort of fit in the bathtub. That's okay, I'll feel better about bathing the babes and our water bill should be lower since the constant drip-drip-drip is gone.


Originally uploaded by Kimba No Limba.

To quote Mike "Your Dad is pretty pimp. He did all that today?"

Yes, Dad, you are pretty pimp. When I asked how he knew how to fix everything, he told me "I didn't when I was your age. I learned because you kids broke everything. EVERYTHING"

Thanks Dad- you rock. Now, who wants to help with the kitchen? Volunteers will get free pizza, beer and tons of thanks.

For those in the know- we've changed and moved up all wedding plans. This is in light of the news of our upcoming litter (by the way, I think I should have a shirt made that says "No, I wasn't on fertility drugs and No, they don't run in my family").

We are going to get married Saturday, May 28th. The shindig will last from 11 to around 3:30- Sorry internet, I'm not telling you where (unless you bring fabulous gifts). This is on Memorial Day Weekend and I'm sorry to ruin any boating or floating plans but I don't have much choice. This is going to be a fairly small affair so we can't invite everyone under the sun but we'll get most everyone who counts. Hopefully.

Invites and details to follow. If I don't know your address, please email me with it (particularly with Metal J, Christ, Charles and the rest of ya'll).

I can't sleep. I've got what Mike's wacky mother refers to as "monkey mind". All I can think about is that we don't have enough room to more than double the size of this family. All of Mike's clothes are in his room- there is no room for more clothes in our room. My clothes take up all of the closet space and both dressers. I don't even think I have that many clothes but he would disagree. So, that's one thing I can't stop worrying about- where to put his clothes.
I'm worried about some of the vital repairs we need done on this house. If we don't do them now, we'll never get them done

1) Our front bathroom nightmare. The bathroom faucet has been leaking a steady stream for oh, months now. God only knows how much water we have wasted and how much higher our water bills have been because of it. Dad and Mike tried to fix it without ripping out the inner plumbing behind the wall but evidentally that's what needs to be done. The bath tub itself needs to be replaced. It is chipped and rusted and the idea of bathing babies in it makes me shudder. The vinyl in that bathroom (only 3 yrs old) has also turned yellow. There are also holes in the wall that have been left patched but unpainted. The bathroom is a nightmare. It makes me want to cry.

2)We have to move Monster back to his old, smaller room where Mike has kept all of his stuff for the last two years. I don't know how on earth we are going to fit all of his stuff back in that room.

3)We have to make Monster's current room into a nursery for three babies. With one small closet and maybe enough room for three cribs. Maybe.


4)Wrought Iron Bannister and Railings of Death. They suck. They need to go. They are not baby friendly. They are ugly. I hate them. I want to put a 1/2 wall up where the wall of railings are and replace the remaining ones with wood.

5)We may divide the basement level family room to make 1/2 and office for Mike's computer and 1/2 a toy room. Yeah, we're probably going to have to do that since Monster's room is getting smaller and where else to put the toys. How are we going to do this?

6)Our couches suck. They are awful. The idea of sitting on them with babies makes me shudder. The ugly, flowered one we inherited from my parents isn't bad but the two garage sale ones are dirty and nasty and I hate them with a vengence. We need new couches. Bad.

7)Our brown counter tops and shitty ass cabinets in the kitchen (orignal to the house) are awful. We don't have enough storage space. Did I mention the counter tops are brown? Maybe not as important as the other things but my god I wish we could update the kitchen.

8)The city is citing us for some fascia that needs to be replaced waaaay on top of the house.

9) There is a cracked window downstairs that needs to be replaced. It is cracked from corner to corner which I believe means it was put in wrong.

So there is the big bad list. Problem is Mike is working 7 days a week. When are we supposed to do any of this? AND I can't lift anything more than 10 pounds. HOW are we supposed to do this?

Do you see why I can't sleep?

This has been one crazy day. It all started off normally enough, I woke up and took Monster to school so I could head off to observe in a 5th grade class like I have all semester. I stayed a little late, ate lunch with the girl I mentor and left to go to a doctor's appointment.

After my last doctor fiasco, I had decided to go to a new obstetrician. I've known I was pregnant for almost a month now but had yet to get a full pre-natal exam (which is pretty normal, they don't want you right away). I found this new office and was excited to get everything confirmed, etc.

First off, they had me take a urine test to "confirm you are pregnant" to which I responded "I'd be very surprised if I wasn't but go ahead" and I peed in a cup. Thirty minutes later, guess they figured out I was indeed pregnant and brought me back to meet with the nurse practioner. She was very sweet and kind as she went through my medical history, etc. She was about to wrap things up when I asked if she was going to do a vaginal ultrasound. I had one done the during my first pre-natal visit and I wanted the comfort of making sure everything was okay. She said insurance wouldn't pay for it unless I was in pain so I told her "I am in pain (wink wink)" and she went to check if they had an appointment available the following week. She had me change into the paper gown while she checked and I was surprised when she popped back in a few seconds later- my ass barely covered with the glorified napkins.

"We can vagi-probe you now between patients, put your clothes on!" (yes, I find the fact that she said vagi-probe pretty funny too). I threw my clothes on so quick that I didn't even put on my bra or shoes. I went down the hall to the ultrasound room. The sonographer was wearing all pink scrubs, a fact I'm sure I'll remember for the rest of my life, and told me to take off my pants and drape my vagi (as I shall now refer to it) with the supersized napkin. She came back in the room with the nurse practitioner, handed me a condom-covered probe and told me to insert at will. Into the vagi. So I did and that was rather odd but I guess they figured I'd be more comfortable shoving the big hunk of plastic in me than they were.

The sonographer took over and loudly gasped. I got a little worried and said "What? WHAT? What is it? Don't tell me there is more than one." She smiled and kept looking, froze the frame and said 1-2-3. She then typed TRIPLETS on the screen.

LET ME REPEAT THAT. TRIPLETS. TRIPLETS. TRIPLETS.

She showed me three placentas, three hearts beating, six arms and legs waving around (one particularly spastic one that seems to bear a likeness to Mike looked to be dancing). There are THREE BABIES. Not one, not two but three.

I believe I answered with "What? Nu-uh. That can't be. There aren't multiples in my family. Are you sure? Holy Shit! I was on birth control, how did this happen?" I believe they answered "Mother Nature does weird things".

Soooo yeah. I'm about 8 weeks along and they said triplets don't usually make it past 28 weeks gestation (which coincidentally, is when Monster was born) since by then my uterus will be too full and I'll go into early labor. I'm very high risk and have to go to a new doctor next week who specializes in high-risk/multiples. This may very well be a bumpy ride and the babies will most likely be in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for quite a while after they are born. At least I've done that before with Monster so I'm prepared for preemies. Oh, and don't even think about getting all Raising Arizona on us and plotting to take one- we are well armed and will shoot your ass. We weren't expecting three but hey, three is what we're getting and we'll love them.

Mike is already very worried about my safety and the safety of the babies. I am too but I think it scares him more because I'm too tired to dwell on it all. Overall, he is handling this better than I am which is probably because he doesn't have to carry THREE BABIES inside of him.

Oh, and we can't get married in July now because I may already be on bed rest. Screw it- we need to save the money now since we'll be buying everything in triplicate. I guess we're having a small wedding sometime this month and then I will sit on my ass and gestate. Lord help me.

this makes me angry. texas, stop being an asshole.

Pardon the disarray, i'm remodeling... should have everything all purdy soon. Toad, why has my masthead completly disappeared? Did you hide it along with my pepper pump (a truly wonderous invention) that has also vanished?

By the way, every time I hear "The Cardinals elected a new pope today" or something about The Cardinals gathering at The Vatican, I envision the St. Louis Baseball Cardinals at the cathedral, casting their votes for pontiff in their tight white baseball pants. Go Cards!

Mike and April thoroughly trounced Toad and I. It was the first time April had been on a winning team since last winter.

Hand and Chest



Silly Mike


I think he fell asleep in the middle of getting out of bed to sneak up on us while we were playing Spades.


Toad ceeselessly smokes silly cigarettes. (note- he doesn't smoke in the house, he just likes to pretend until the next smoke break outside. me and the bebe will not allow smoking en the casa.).

i want to go to lebowski fest. i would also like a "the dude abides" sticker so go ahead and buy me one.

but, i digress. monster is sitting next to me asking me to look up steam engines on the computer. he's back on trains hardcore since we went to the transportation museum. now he wants to go to colorado because one of his scholastic books is about a running steam engine line in colorado that goes through the mountains. he keeps saying "c-c-c-c- cahhlooraado. c-c-c-c - hey! colorado starts with the letter c!"

since it is the running obsession, here's another pic. of monster climbing a steam engine. he really wasn't supposed to do this but hey, you try and stop him.

Oh Brother
Originally uploaded by Kimba No Limba.

"Mm-hmm. You shall see thangs, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... a cow... on the roof of a cotton house"

On Friday, Mike and I took Monster to the Transportation Museum. He got to visit all sorts of trains. Here, they recall the prophet scene from Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

okay, okay so they cuss a lot. yes, but the show is so damned good. plus, if you watch the interview with david milch, the creator of deadwood, he explains that the cussing is like an ape beating his chest at his enemies. the miners in the old west really did cuss up a storm- sometimes it saved their lives because it made them "tough".

i just got back from a party at the secret agent's house. i must be getting old because i swear half of the evening's discussions were about either taxes or babies.

the other half were about deadwood- those discussions included vehment imitations of wu's "swargin! cocksucka! san francisco cock sucka!". god i love deadwood.

Cell phone numbers are being released to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sales calls on your cell. Check out www.donotcall.gov to remove your number from the list.

Especially with those autodialers. That is awful- you pick up the phone because it won't stop ringing and you get amessage to hold for an important message. If it was important, you wouldn't put me on freakin' hold!!!! And because they will be wasting your money along with your time...

today was a discombulated type of day.

1) mike slept in when he was supposed to get up so i slept in because he never got up to wake me up to set my alarm to go to class. i woke up right when class started and since it is an hour away- didn't happen.

2) the daytime tiredness is kickin. i fell back asleep after taking monster to school. i had what seemed like a long dream where i watched someone else get married and all the bride could say was she was on her monthly (and that's how she said it).

3) monster wanted to walk to target from grandma and grandpa's house. grandpa told us to take the road by his house but monster remembered many a fun trek last year where we cut through the soybean field behind their house. he would not approve any other route. since he is the one that is actually in charge, i gave in and we headed to the field. the field that had just been plowed. the field that had been drenched by two days of spring rains. the field that was muddy as hell. we tromped through the mud- no problem- until we got to the side by the fence. one little fence was all that separated us from target. once we got close, i began sinking into the mud. before long, my feet were completely stuck in the mud. i had to reach in with my hands and get my shoes (slide shoes no less) and i could no longer pull my feet out. now my hands and feet were covered in mud, my shoes were covered in mud and we couldn't find the gate to get through the fence. i almost fell over and go a little frustrated and then monster completely lost it. i guess he thought we were stranded forever because the waterworks bust open. he cried and cried and whined and despaired that we were stuck forever. we tried to get to the part in the fence where the gate should have been and were scratched by evil thorn bushes and this made him sob even harder. finally, i gave him a big, muddy hug and told him we had to walk back to grandpa's. we trudged back through the mud and made it back. we hosed off our shoes and feet, went inside for some applejuice and decided to drive. this all took place over the course of about 15 stressful minutes. i cannot express how much like quicksand the field was- it was quick mud. lesson learned- don't try to walk through freshly turned, muddy fields. duh.

4) when we got to target, we bought two cherry icee's. after i poured them, they expanded and spilled out the top. i tried desperately to get a napkin out of the holder and kept ripping off pieces. when i tugged a little harder, the whole thing popped open and napkins went soaring through the air like doves.

after all this, we gave up and went home to watch the incredibles (good flick). everything else went okay and i think the lesson for today is- stay home, agoraphobia may not be a bad thing. just kidding- i guess nothing really bad happened. it wasn't a horrible day- was just as i said. it was a discombobulated day. but, if that 's all i have to complain about, i'm reminded that my life is pretty damn good.

so. damn. addictive.

update on the work situation.

get this, i elevated my beef to corporate human resources. lo and behold, i have my job back at a different location and they gave me a raise. and i was told the offending party is leaving the company.

I RULE.

(bonus points if you know which of the following songs contains the title line in its lyrics)

Songs from my Rainy Day playlist:

• Little Martha- Allman Brothers
  Funny thing is when I downloaded this, the artist was listed as The Almond Brothers. Is there someone out there that really thinks that is their name? Can I meet you?
• Places I Remember, Day in the Life & I'm Only Sleeping- The Beatles
  I'm a Beatles fanatic. Maybe I'm a reincarnated Beatles fanatic from the 60's who died too young. These particular songs are good representations from Rubber Soul, Revolver and Sgt. Peppers'. By the way, I am in a life long battle trying to decide if I like Paul or Jon more. The first album I ever owned (I was 5) was Paul McCartney. My first 45 was Peaches and Herb but hey, it was the 70's and I was 4. I love Paul's voice but I am more spiritually drawn to Jon.
• Gold to Me- Ben Harper
  An artist from this era! I saw him at Memphis in May a few years ago. He smoked like 10 joints on stage at one time which was quite funny.
• Tangled up In Blue- Bob Dylan
  This may actually be my favorite song
• Lust for Life- Iggy Pop
  Damn Royal Carribean for using this song in their commercials. Though it is funny that a song about heroin addiction is used in cruise commercials so kudos on the unintentional irony. Can you imagine that marketing meeting?
• Olympia- Courtney Love
  Love the song, hate the artist. I still think she killed Kurt. I liked this song before but even more after I saw Stealing Beauty. Also like it because she rages against being in high school and I hated high school.
• Ballad of the Last Gunfighter- Johnny Cash
  I love Johnny.
• Gallow's Pole- Led Zepplin
  I listened to "The Daily Dose of LZ" at 5:00 pm on K-SHE 95 every night on the way home when I used to live in commuter hell.
• Old Man and Heart of Gold- Neil Young
  Ha, I accidently typed Neil Diamond the first time. I do like Sweet Caroline by him but that is not on today's list
• Paranoid Android and Karma Police- Radiohead
  Ooh, another artist from my own era! I like the image of a paranoid android. An OCD robot.
• Psycho Killer- Talking Heads
  Qu'est-ce que c'est?Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far far better. I don't know what Qu'est que c'est means. I took Spanish so someone tell me.
• Rudie Can't Fail- The Clash
  Another great song that is also in a favorite movie- Grosse Pointe Blank
• Freedom on 76/Bananas and Blow/Sarah/Baby Bitch- Ween
  Because you always need some Ween.

i mentored/tutored two of my fifth graders today on equivalent fractions. now, i'm infamously bad at math but i understand fractions and their equivalences. the problem was they were using "fraction sticks" and i swear this method made NO SENSE to me. it is hard enough for me to grasp math but using some random new math method made it even more difficult for me to explain. i felt quite stupid. but i turned it in a "teachable" moment by explaining that even someone like me who is terrible at math can be successful in school and that being weak in a subject area doesn't make you stupid.

then i told them about multiple intelligences-, the theory that there are 8 different types of intelligences, and that some people are really strong in some ares that you wouldn't traditionally think of as "smart". for example, i work with a 12 year old girl that is a true naturalist. she loves nature, animals and natural science. it is about the only thing that interests her. i explained to her that i admire her intelligence in this area and that she was talented. i don't think anyone else has ever said that to her before.

this girl cannot pay attention in class, is diagnosed ADD and OCD (special education loves acronyms) and doesn't know her multiplication tables, is considered dumb by her classmates and lazy (or rather plagued with avoidant behavior) by her teacher. she has a sketchy home life and is an overweight, bi-racial, adopted by her great aunt because her mom couldn't take care of her, pre-teen. many people would view her negatively and probalby as the result of the eroding nuclear family in this country. but she can tell you about every fish in the aquarium and which ecosystem is best for her favorite animal and why. she can tell you about every plant and tree in the school garden and says she thinks better outside. i hope she makes it through and one day works for the conservation department or zoo- she truly is a natural.

I am sitting here doing my homework while Toad and April play rummy behind me. I just heard him say "If I'm going to jail, I'm going to make it worth my while" and then he farted. Right before that he asked me if he could rob my neighbors. I told him yeah but I don't think he really will. If he does, hopefully he'll choose dragon lady with the annoying dogs.

Irises
Originally uploaded by Kimba No Limba.

The Irises bloomed. Yay! These are splits from my Grandma's 50 yr old Irises that used to be at my parents' house before my Dad dug them up and gave them to me. These bulbs have history.

Today was a beautiful spring day. We finally gave in, and with Home Depot card in hand, we bought a new lawn mower, trimmer and blower. Our yard looks much better. I think our neighbors were getting ready to tar and feather us but we have redeemed ourselves with well-shorn grass.

After a busy day, Monster said we had the best sunset in his whole entire life- like totally.

Jimbo-
Well hon, you would have turned 33 today. It will be a strange day when I turn older than you ever were. You always said you were so old and you never will be. I miss you. It has almost been a year and my grief is returning stronger than ever as we near the anniversary of your death. Where are you now? Do you see me sitting here typing and crying? Are you finally happy? I hope so.

Can I just tell you that I am really, really sick of playing Candyland with Monster? Because I am. I don't want to ruin your childhood memories but it is actually boring as hell. Maybe it would be better if we weren't playing the weird new version with Grandma Nutt and Princess Frostine.

I went to the doctor earlier this week, it wasn't exactly a fun appointment. First off, I went in and when I told the girl that this had been a regularly scheduled well-woman check but I called to say I was pregnant and they said to keep the same appointment. She looked at me like I had just made her day infinitely more difficult and did everything short of rolling her eyes. Great start.

I waited for 30 minutes before I even went back into the room which is always fun. I was finally called back and stood backwards on the scale because at this point I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Then, I talked to the nurse and she was the one redeeming factor. While she checked my vitals (all okay), she was really nice and listened to me explain my precarious medical insurance situation. You see, I currently have pretty crappy insurance that only covers 70% of expenses and I am about to lose it unless I pay COBRA. I told her this and she told me the same thing the doctor later told me, "Forget that, it isn't worth it. See if you can get Medicaid because if you have to pay COBRA and 30% you are going to pay a LOT of money". She just happened to come from working for an excellent doctor that takes Medicaid and assured me I can still go to the hospital of my choice and be well taken care of. So, I'm going to try to do that. If Mike gets a job with insurance soon, I'll be covered after we get married but all that is a big damn IF.

My doctor came in and surprise! She is 6 months pregnant. She also seemed like she was in a huge hurry. She said the same thing about insurance and decided it would be smarter to make this just a yearly visit, not a pre-natal one since I am likely switching doctors. I did tell her that I have been suffering from pretty severe insomnia which is making me very tired and crabby during the day. I then told her I had stopped taking my anti-depressant medicines the day I found out I was pregnant. She looked at me and said "Well, who told you to do that?" and I said "No one. I called up here to ask if I should come in and they said keep my existing appointment. So, I did a lot of research on the internet and nothing told me it was safe to continue. You can't tell me there are long-term studies showing neurological effects of introducing mind-altering chemicals to an embryonic brain." She looked at me for a second and said "Well, Prozac has been around for 40 years and I haven't heard any negative studies." I answered, "I wasn't taking Prozac." She then told me she thought I was having withdrawal symptoms and that was why the insomnia and possibly nausea were so bad. I asked her if she thought I should start up again (after 11 days off) and she said no because she wasn't going to keep treating me and I should ask my new doctor. She left me with the advice to take Benadryl if I can't sleep.

Here are my thoughts- If I am having withdrawal symptoms, wouldn't the baby? Plus, no one can assure me it is safe for a developing fetus. I'm not suicidally depressed, I'm actually doing okay- just pretty cranky. I started taking them for anxiety issues, not severe depression. I have weighed the pros and cons and I think this is the wisest avenue. Plus, I want to breast feed and I wouldn't feel comfortable breast feeding if I continued to take meds. and passing them on to an infant. So, that's that- I'm not taking them and the insomnia does seem to be getting better and that was my main concern.

Continuing with the exam, without even telling me, she poked my tender cervix with the big damn Q-Tip for a pap smear and I almost screamed in pain. Next, she casually mentioned, "Oh, don't worry if you start spotting. That would be from the pap smear." Now, that's something you want to hear when you are already paranoid about something going wrong- how bout you not poke me in the first place and prevent said bleeding?! Then, she thoroughly poked, prodded, and tenderized my already sensitive breasts with a meat clever. Okay, she used her hands but that's what it felt like.

After this, she walked away from me, scribbling on the chart and headed for the door. I stopped her with "Uh... so, can you tell I'm pregnant from your physical exam?!" and she answered "Oh, yeah- your uterus is enlarged and I didn't feel any masses. You didn't scream when I examined you. So, yes, I'd say you feel about 8 1/2 weeks, not 9". And that was all.

I was left feeling kind of--- sad?! My first appointment with Caleb was also, coincidentally, was a well woman visit already scheduled when I found out I was pregnant (different doctor). She sat down with me, talked to me, gave me a vaginal ultrasound, etc, etc, etc. This doctor and her staff almost treated me like a waste of time. Now, I know I've been very touchy and sensitive but I don't think this was right. I used to really like this doctor but now I don't want to see her again. This is also the same office where my sister went in for an ultrasound and the technician said "I don't see a heartbeat, let me get the doctor" and left her alone for 25 minutes, terrified that she had lost the baby (which she had). THAT is unacceptable but I thought maybe there was an emergency in a different part of the office and gave her a second chance. After this- no more.

What do you think?

last week when someone asked "you have a web site?", you responded "it isn't a web site, it is some weird blog type thing. i've seen it a few times and i don't know how it is all connected"

i should have told you:
"ummm, YES, it is a web site. i write the content, i design the lay out, i mess with the coding (and then beg toad to fix it), i take the photos, i post the photos. i get hits and feedback from people around the world. oh yeah, and it is on the web. how the hell can you say it isn't a web site? and what do you mean you can't tell how it is connected? are you retarded? how hard is it to tell that there is a main page and them blogs linking from the main page?"

but i didn't. it has been bothering me ever since so i'm just going to write it and maybe you'll read it. IF you would stoop so low as to read this "not a real web site" and if you do, i doubt you'll admit to searching out something concerning me. even though you searched me out for years, buddy, I don't know who you think you're fooling.

see, this is why i should just stay at home. every time i go out i get pissed off about some seemingly inconsequential thing and dwell on it for days. and i wonder why i can't sleep at night.

since master toad mentioned it, i'll expound- i think i may have written about it before but can't recall. last year at this time chuck palahniuk, author of fight club, choke, lullaby and many other great works, sent me a care package. in the depths of my cubicle hell, i wrote him a letter and he responded about six months later. i was floored and very appreciative that he bothered to take the time. he sent me random stuff (including a box of soap from the dollar store which was particularly funny. soap. haven't you read or seen fight club? jeesh), a letter and an autographed book. i was elated for days after he sent me this. i wanted to send him a thank you note but the rather nazi-ish folks that run his web site did their best to make fans feel insignificant and not send thank you's. i can't remember what they said but it was along the lines of "if you got a package, you aren't that special and he's really busy so don't send him a thank you because once again, you aren't that special, he's just that nice." which i prefer to think of as b.s. because i don't think he sends EVERYONE a personalized package, he just picks a few letters a week that he found "something" in worth responding. so, yeah, stupid chuck web site runners that make his fans feel bad for getting packages- you aren't that special! you are just fans who started a web site idolizing him so get off your high f'in horse.

i think i may write david sedaris a letter next. i love how neurotic he is (every time i use the word neurotic, i think of abnormal psych. where i learned there is no such diagnosis in the DSM). i like people who make me feel a little more normal because they are just as anxious.

Guess I'll never know? Why did I ask in the first place? Urban Dictionary tells all..... AMF means...

Happy Smiley Spring Dog
Originally uploaded by Kimba No Limba.

I spent a lot of time today working on the yard. I was trying to plant some purple hyacinths Mike bought me from our 2yr anniversary (last month) when Scout planted her big doggie butt down in the dirt. This is her smiling and refusing to move. This is the face of a very happy dog.

i seem to be craving random things. today i have eaten 1) a can of sliced olives 2) a whole bowl of peas.

i have, however, consistently been craving taco bell.

today has been kind of a strange day. i have been very overwhelmed this week but i think it is getting better. mike, however, has just caught up on being overwhelmed. he is working all the time and i think it is all beginning to sink in. i wish we could just win the lottery so the money worries would go away. but, money doesn't solve everything- if that were the case, celebrities wouldn't divorce and rich people would never cry. we'll get through it, i'm sure but i find the biggest challenge right now is to stay up beat.

this week has been the perfect storm for my moodiness. but hey, you go on a complete body cleanse- stop taking any mood-balancing meds and drinking caffeine at the same time. while you're at it, feel sick a lot, make a major part of your body hurt all the time and feel exhausted yet unable to sleep. while your at it, go to graduate school fulltime, raise a five year old and plan a wedding in three months. yeah, do all that and tell me if you feel moody. i dare ya!

Please click here and comment on the April 1 post to participate in a breast cancer fundraiser in honor of Cheryl Hammonds. She died one year ago today of breast cancer.

reading her story made me cry. then again, the following things made me cry today:

• the mere idea of giving up one of our animals because we really can't afford three. we aren't going to, we decided to just feed them less expensive food (they are all on nutro and it is costly but they shed far less)
• the fact that jimbo's birthday would have been next week and he'll never turn 33.
• the idea of putting this baby in fulltime infant daycare like i had to with monster. where do i start with how much this sucks. is it the $200/week fees? is it that they are tons of germs even in excellent facilties and the baby ends up sick all the time? no, it is that you have to leave your baby all day with strangers to go somewhere you don't want to be and feel like the world's worst mother.
• mike (not in a bad way, not in a good way- just made me cry.)
• the pope
• terry schiavo

ohhhh now i get it- it is april fool's day. gulp!

monster thinks april fool's day is great. he has been saying random things all day and laughing like crazy. example (while driving around), "Mommy! Look, there is a car driving in the sky!!!" pause "APRIL FOOL'S!!!!!!"

Mitch Hedberg is dead. We saw him last year with Lewis Black and Dave Attell and were blown away. He was so much funnier than either of the two "bigger" comedians and had us absolutely rollin' with laughter. I'm sorry to hear he is gone. Dammit, why do so many great comedians die young?

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right."

"On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?"

"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly..."

Bye Mitch.