sorry i haven't been writing much the last week. right now, i'm sick with some demonic virus that has made every muscle in my body throb. my throat feels like i've been gargling shards of glass and i just want to sleep.

now i get hate mail from my own sister. i did too ride the bus. and when you were a baby i bit myself and blamed it on you. so there.

good. i hate her. she is way too perky. damn paige davis. honestly, i'm so over TLC. now, i'm on to the food network. good eats, unwrapped, iron chef- even the show with dweezil zappa and lisa loeb (how on god's green earth did those two end up together anyway?). so yeah, food network totally kicks TLC's ass even without the horrible paige davis.

toad is so wrong when he says the beastie boys suck. he just doesn't understand.

so here i am in the grips of hating fucking winter and ready to be warm again and maybe just a little hormonal. it is officially the worst time of the year.

but i just walked the dog and my ears and dethawing. i am going to class soon and that is infinitely better than sitting in a gray cubicle. that's where i was last year at this time and i'm still recovering from PTSD. not to compare cubicle life to war but oh wait- yeah, i'm going to go ahead and compare those two. so i'm going to school and i'm going to get coffee on the way. i guess it isn't so bad.

on another note, do you think someone could goto a hypnotist for chronic procrastination and tardiness? they would snap their hands, you would wake up and you would be prompt and organized for the rest of your life. i need to find said hypnotherapist.

I absolutely love The Amazing Race. The best of the show is screaming at Jonathan and Victoria through the TV. She is a huge fucking whiner but he- oh man, he is a piece of work. He screams and berates his wife but is more incompentant than she is. He likes taking his shirt off but refuses to do heavy physical work and probably has a tiny dick. Anywhere, this made me happy since I won't be seeing then anymore because their dumb asses were ousted from the race last week. Oh and here are pics of Victoria nekked. Now that's some airbrushing because she ain't that pretty.

Monster says Mermen are the toughest men anywhere. Why? No idea.

So why is my computer having so much trouble realizing I have plugged my camera into the USB cable and won't recognize it as a removable disk have the time? I have to unplug and replug it in repeatedly. the camera says USB mode but my computer doesn't want to recognize it. if you know how i can fix this- let me know. it is truly annoying when i'm trying to show you the picture i just took of the trail monster created in our house out of books and pillows. i sure do talk about monster a lot. but, i'm with him more than any other human on earth so he takes up a lot of my thinking. plus, he's really hysterical. this five year old stage is fun but can also be incredibly frustrating- he is learning to push my buttons and has gotten into lying lately. oh, and the "duh" thing- that is infuriating. but, he has cut back on that since i said it hurt my feelings so i guess there is hope.

Here is Butter in all his fuzzy cuteness. Just after I took this, I pissed him off by trying the new waterless cat shampoo foam I bought at Petco for 50 cents on clearance. He was sooo not amused.

I hear a loud crash from the other room. I yell out "Hey, what did you do?" Monster responds "Something I'm sorry for!" Isn't that a great answer?

Note: He just crashed into something and spilled his water. He inherited his Mom's stellar skills of running into random walls and shit for no reason. I'm so proud.

today was an incredibly busy day for me. i felt like i was inside a video game and had to get from destination a to destination b to keep going. kind of like grand theft auto but i didn't have to pop a cap in a crack dealer to get to the next stage. i've never played grand theft auto but i've watched plenty. (oh, btw toad- the joke goes "why did the blond sleep with the mexican?" pause. "because her teacher told her to do an essay"). the first of the two alarm clocks went off at nine o'clock. now, that may seem fairly late to some people but i'm not an early fucking riser so get over it. you'll never change that. i may have to get up early sometimes but i'm never going to like it. i snoozed both alarm clocks for about thirty minutes until monster bounded out of bed and yelled that i had to get up or we'd be late. yes, that's right, he's five. i took a quick shower, fed monster, changed his clothes and tried to soothe his severe bed head. we went to school where he was re-enrolled in daycare for the first time in almost a year. i was a wreck but he was fine with it. i left him and checked in on superbaby who was very happy to see me. i shouldn't have stopped by the infant room to say hi because that took a good ten minutes. then, i drove twenty minutes to school where i parked in a handicapped space because i'm driving my mom's car that has a handicapped tag. yes, i'm evil. get over it. you would have done it too if you were in such a hurry to make a class ontime that is being taught by your advisor and you are the only graduate student in a class of undergrads and your advisor/professor keeps telling everyone in the class that you are special. i get to class and i'm still late. but- that's okay. class ends- meet with advisor/professor and head to the bookstore. oh- the bookstore. now they don't let you go in the book section to pick out your book (probably a good idea. i once knew um, this girl, who took a few textbooks off the shelf, turned to the buyback counter and resold them to the bookstore without ever leaving the store. she then used the money to but some pot. so yeah, keep those books behind the barrier). anyway, they make you tell a book store employee and they go get your books for you. luckily, i got the usually grumpy but today extremely helpful older gentleman who got my books and gave me the price of FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for the seven books i needed. he then told me financial aid would give me a voucher and i could get the books fronted to me. that sounded nice. i realized i had to bolt to make my next class so i left without my books and hurried to my next class which was held in an elementary school. long story a little shorter-- after that class, i hit financial aid and they told me they would front me the books so spend away! joyously, i went back to the book store got my hundreds of dollars worth of books, went to the business office to get a real parking pass (i just collected parking fines last semester) which was also from fronted financial aid money and left campus. i drove back to st. chuck, picked up monster, went to target and bought him the bribe i promised if he was good at his new daycare before preschool, went home, got some, and then went to work. i worked for five hours, went to taco bell, took marco home, came home and here i am.
that was a really long and probably boring account of my day but see, i told you it was an incredibly busy day. tomorrow, i hope to have a much more boring day that includes Jeopardy and Oprah.

Here is what $417 worth of books looks like:

it isn't that exciting of a photo but i wanted to demonstrate how ridiculous $417 is for these pieces of dead trees and ink.

this is monster zen-like during sledding.

oops, i said literally. dammit.

i literally don't have anything to say. so, here's a smoking monkey.

Dear Son;
While I appreciate your scientific enthusiasm, please stop conducting "sink or float" experiments in my sink with my makeup. Thank you.
Love,
Your Mother

P.S. - I know that you like saying "Duh" and rolling your eyes, but if you don't stop, I may have to send you to boarding school for kindergarten.

it remains to be seen if i can pry him off his computer. i think he's been playing f.f.f. (final fucking fantasy) for twelve hours off-and-on now. but he cleaned and put the downstairs furniture back where it belonged (ahem- T). so there's that. i am going to babysit superbaby and maybe she'll give me some of her fantastic smiles instead of screaming and spitting up. my hair smells like coffee so i'm going to shower now and use my great smelling eucalyptus spearmint body wash.

okay, that momentary appreciation for winter in missouri has passed and now i just wish it was a warm summer evening. then, i could take monster outside and make him run up and down the street until he was so tired that he wouldn't make me watch blue's clues. today was a pre-school snow day and i did my best to entertain him.
we

1) Made cookies. Best quote of the experience:
Me: "Are your hands clean?" (As he reaches for the cookie dough and starts to knead it)
Him: "Probably!" (hands back dough and licks it off his fingers)

2) Explained aliens for the fourteen millionth time. My sister let him watch Mars Attacks again and, while it scared him, he is now obsessed with aliens. He has decided they can't come to earth because they will melt. When he says melt, he slowly drops to the ground like the Wicked Witch of the West melting.

3) "Look Mommy, I'm making an entraption! wanna see what my entraption does?"

4) Couch gymnastics. don't ask

5) Snow walk.

whatever. i hate wal-mart. boycott wal-mart.

my gay cats are very strange sometimes. when i go to the bathroom, i have to leave the door cracked or they go nuts. the reason they go nuts is because they know i'm sitting down and that means i must pet them. gobi can open doors with his paw, 'tis true, but not that particular door. they are also strange because they wait every morning for gnu to wake up and open the bedroom door. when he does, they dart down the hall and jump up on the table to their food dishes. once he gets to the table, they jump down, run to the other room and stare at him. they won't go near him when he is walking because he's probably stepped on them a few too many times.
oh, one more thing, they will find a bag of catnip no matter where i hide it and rip it to shreds. freakin stoner cats.

back by popular demand- WB Guy.
(someone commented that Gnu looks like he should be on a WB show and we pretty much agree.)

ow, i am making chili and some just splattered out and burnt my lip and cheek. not bad- just enough to f'in hurt. evita pink is now reading this little missive so welcome and watch it missy, get smart and i'll post photos of your tits. lovingly of course.

listening:
that's the way by led zepplin. it is in almost famous and that is one of my favorite movies.
mood: a little frantic.
eating: lucia's pepperoni pizza


non-formatted stream of conscious thoughts of today-- some anti-depressants are really just speed, they show up as amphetamines in your urine. why did ferdinand come out of the closet to me and then today tell me he was joking and then i FREAKED the fuck out because i thought he was trying to trick me and was making a fool out of me in front of others like, "look at this dumb bitch, she believed me and i was lying and was worried about me ha ha ha" but then when i got upset he admitted he was never kidding and was sorry and by then i was kinda teary and he got teary and i apologized for freaking out when i think someone is making fun of me because i was a spaz kid who got made fun of and i'm more than a little sensitive to it. he said he was the fat kid who no one wanted to play with and he understood. was i supposed to take this job to help him out? was that where this went- i was supposed to work there to help support someone who needed a little strength and sensitivity? he mentioned he sometimes just wanted things to be over and that he wouldn't wake up in the morning. after jimbo died last year, i can't deal with someone else giving up and killing themselves so i must try to comfort those who feel they can't be comforted? what if i try and someone else kills themselves, what then?
my shoulders and jaw hurt.
i love gnu so much and yet another reason from today- while i worked all f'in day, he took monster to a gigantic train show downtown and i didn't even have to ask- he did it because he rocks.
also, my friends nick and idulia got engaged and that rocks too. they live in boston but may get married in the carribean and said i have to go. and that would rock. if only i had money, but it won't be till next year. and yeah, that's about enough rambling. must take shower. wish had pain killers, jaw and shoulder and really really hurting. should go to the doctor. yep. sho nuff. i feel a little better now.

snowed last night for only the second time this winter. it was nice. distracted me from the weird night i had. this guy i know very casually, we'll call him ferdinand, is very intense and angry most of the time. last night, he told me he is attracted to men. last semester, he was studying to be a minister and seemed way too homophobic. now, he seems a bit happier. i'm still not convinced he wasn't bullshitting me because he's a pretty good actor. if he is, i'll fuckin' kill him because i haven't been able to stop thinking about it. it would be very hard to be an only child in a very religious family and discover you don't fit the norm in a relatively shocking way (for some). i'm sure there have been others who have killed themselves over such situations. or joined the priesthood.
regardless, if it is true, why did he tell me of all people? he said he hasn't told anyone else except one gay friend. i guess he thought he could trust me which is cool but if he is just lying to fuck with me i'm never going to trust anyone again. but he seemed serious. so there's that.

this week i watched two incredible movies that have had enormous "buzz" lately- napoleon dynamite and garden state. they were both amazing movies. i watched garden state for the second time today and i loved it even more. go watch these two movies today. blockbuster sorta got rid of late fees so that's a good reason to go rent these atypically wonderful dvd's.

finally, here is scout in the snow. she dug it.

i'm very sad that my little sister (the one that isn't the beach bum) lost her baby. she was three months pregnant and had to go to the hospital today to have a D&C because her body didn't realize the fetus had died. i'm glad she has her other daughter, super baby, to keep her mind off it and i'll be there tomorrow to give her chocolate and flowers. but, i must say that i appreciate the fact that she told monster she was in the hospital because she ate pig jowls (she was in arkansas recently and apparently they fry up part of the pig's head and eat it like bacon. her husband picked one up that still had whiskers. can you say gross?) way to have a sense of humor about the whole horrible thing, sis.

This is my sister, the beach bum, and myself circa 1981 (I'm the one who looks to be admonishing the photographer with a wagging spoon). I think we were making cookies.

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Figuring out why I really need 7 e-mail addresses. Get your resolution here

Now if only I had the cookie...

I didn't do a New Year's Post on New Year's Eve so here it is, late as usual. So far, this year has been somewhat boring except for last night. I worked till midnight at the coffee joint and then (I was interrupted here by super geek Gnu because he made it to level 60 in Final Fuckin Fantasy He ran in and danced to "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves. It is playing as part of the top 100 party songs of all time, seriously. I don't normally listen to Katrina and the Waves. So Gnu is dancing and then he comes up behind me and licks my hair. He wins the household spaz of the day award.)

So anyway, got off work, picked up Gnu and went to Casa de Wagwoods. We drank champagne, wine and buttery nipples. We also watched The Wedding Singer and Grosse Pointe Blank while drunkenly gossiping as the boys went off to look at tools and pee on trees. I have a headache and I think I may go nap.