I am Lono

Been pretty damn depressed lately. Winter blues, I suppose. I can't ride my bike, most of the ZS events have died off, and The Rams football season is over. The only option I have, mostly, is the continued abuse of my Xbox 360, and all those unfortunate souls that step in front of me. Is that all I am, now?
A virtual killer, hellbent on reaching a goal that is as futile as it is foolish? What happened to me? I used to think I had a future.

Any series on television that one foot grounded firmly in fiction will eventually get around to this scenario: The world is a mass of galaxies, realities that all hinge around the belief that every decision spawns a new reality. The protagonist eventually comes across a way into at least one other dimension where they will meet a different version of themselves.
I can't help but feel that I am the flawed version. I'm the loser, and any minute a different, happy, version will walk through a wall. He'll be with her and he'll be adventerous or exciting or complete. I don't want to know where I went wrong. I've always had the opinion that no matter how screwed up things get, no matter how bad or ugly or dangerous I will shine through. I will survive. That I would be invincible as long as I stayed true to my ideals. Lately, I'm not so sure. I'll be turning thirty soon. I still live at home. A decade of drinking, shooting, and fun. Nothing to lose, nothing that could be taken from me because I'm so goddamned tuff.
I think that's not true though. How do you take something from someone that has nothing?
The great, late, Hunter S. Thompson said that he would feel trapped and go insane if didn't think he could turn a gun to his head and pull the trigger whenever he wanted. I don't have that option. I decided a long time ago that no matter how bad things got, no matter what the circumstances I would do whatever I could to survive. That's what I've based the last decade around. That's no life to live. I'm lonely. I have friends, and family, and plenty of coworkers. There are people around me that give a shit about my wellbeing. I know this. I want more.
I want more than just to survive. There is no more love at the bottom of a bottle than there is in a video game. I guess it all comes down to choices. I know way too much for my own good. The majority of the time my decisions are simple indecision resulting in some event.
I didn't choose to be the bad Toad, I just didn't choose to be the good one.
So here I am. The bad one. Where do I go from here? Do I follow the lead and start making decisions that make me worse? Do I continue to just drift along, only dealing with my life and not making one for myself? Should I do my damndest to flip this life, to look my pain and everyone else's in the face, to try to bear the weight of the world? I can't half-ass anything, I can tell you that for sure. I hope this is just a phase I'm going through. I can feel my digital trigger finger itching already. What if this is real though? What if this is my time to make a stand? I can barely focus. It's all so much to handle. How would the Doctor handle this? I need some high quality LSD.