And You Thought You Had It Bad...

AND you do. Because you are not me. I know that, because if you were you'd be fat, and sitting in this squeeky chair typing. But you are not. I am. And I'm the captain, which means it sucks to be you. So you do have it bad, because... everyone does.

TODAY:
"I have a patient that had twins[girls], Quads, [3 boys and a girl], and then twins again.(girls I think, I don't remember.)"
My witty response?
"Well, I would have thought the first set of twins was a warm up for the 4[quads], but the second set must be god."
I said this to a nurse who had a man with her that appeared to be burnt (exploded, acid washed, other bad stuff-ified) so bad his head and arms --- --- (this part omitted because at this point only Fearless Sunflower probably wouldn't VOMIT LOUDLY ONTO THE FLOOR.)
Then I felt bad, but I dunno. AM I doctor? "I never communicated with the subject enough to realize, thus far, hate, humor, or any sort of verifiable emotion of any sort. The only thing that seemed to prevail, in my own mind or not, was a sense of animosity."

This sucks too! I sold the OVERLORD [129.99] a spare clip [34.99] a leg holster [34.99] 8-10 round paintball pods [9.99] 80 RPS all-Star paintballs, [i dunno like 50 cents) and a case I custom painted MYSELLF [priceless - 30.99 case retail] for 112.50 + S/H all so I can afford my share of the rent for my new place. Well, I still have the designs. 1 of a kind for now... plase don't do any math on this and send it to me.

...Now I have to ship it by Friday... *snif*

AMF
(movin' on up...)

Pod Theft

So another Sunday has come and passed, and there is a tale to tell. My weekend started off Saturday evening with Melf's wedding, and a reception/bonfire/rock concert. I had a great time, even wore my pirate hat. Some blonde chick kept asking me about blogging, not knowing how much I hate that word. I pitched a tent (the sleeping in kind) and proceeded to relax, made some paintball plans I did not remember, and generally had a great time. I even brought some flasing rave LED's that were pretty useless.
Sunday morning I woke up early like 9 am or so, and cleaned up the empty cans and stuff around the fire. it wasn't too bad, and was useful for clearing my head a bit any getting the old body moving. I even found someone's cellphone on the ground, and it was in working order. I did not once think of stealing it. (that'll make sense later on.) I broke down my tent and left as the other campers were waking up. Grabbed some gas and a Sausage egg Biscuit and headed home. Then I took a nap. At about 1pm or so Gnu called me to remind me that we were supposed to meet at his house at 10 am and told me to hurry.
"So great." I said to myself. "I
m hungover, didn't sleep in a bed last night, and now I'm late to go paintballing. At least it can't get any worse. Oh yeah, I have to unload my camping stuff first. (about half of it's in my car still.) So Gnu and I and our third (I can't think of a good nickname yet. I guess T2 will have to do.) We all get to the field and start Staging. (that means getting ready.) We were all in T2's van, so it made things a little rough because I have so much crap. A vest, kneepads, a nice goggle system, interchangeable barrels, pods, a pack, and a gun I'm very picky about. But we got her done, anyway.
Game 1. Mounds. Our teems were poorly matched. 8 guys in varying uniforms and good guns Vs. our 13 man team, mage up at least 2/3's of shorties. (kids under 15.) Shorties suck for a couple of reasons:
1. Kids's can't buy a lot of paint, cuzz it's expensive. So they don't shoot much.
2. Kid's can't aim for shit.
3. They don't communicate at all. During one of the games I heard the same shorty ask someone if they wanted more paint about 20 times. They never once said a name, or "red shirt" or anything. Just Shouted "You need paint?" 16 times. They especially don't call out enemy positions, which is A RULE.
4. They are afraid of being shot.
5. Shorties don't want to win they just want to "play."
So it comes down to a 3 on 1 them Vs. me and I realize that there's noone to shout 'Back RIGHT!" to. I fended them off for a while wasting paint and switch chooting (using both hands) but finally took one in the elbow on my left side, because i didn't tuck it in. firggin' drew blood.

W-0 L-1

Game 2 and one of the shorties started with no air. One man down. Gnu took too long to get into his bunker and got shot out right after. T2 lasted a little longer, but got out trying to flank the enemy. I ran out of air, and instead of trying to barrel tag someone walked off. No point in getting the shit shot out of me when we weren't going to win anyway. That game ended with our last guy picking up paintballs off the ground and then being bunkered.
W-0 L-2

As I got back to the staging area (Van) I remembered that I had left 2 pods laying on the field. When I walked back, they were gone. 5 bucks a piece, times 2 stolen. Gnu saw one laying on a table that some shorty had "just found laying there" but second one never showed up. Another one disappeared later, I hope it's on the floor of T2's van. So not only did I pay 15 bucks to play for 2 hours, and spent 40 dollars on painr, but now I'm out ten dollars because some punkass kid read this.

Game 3 took us into the woods, where the teams were re-distributed. Gnu pulled this fat behind the back move where he ended up behind the other team and took out 4 guys at once! Then I shot the crap outta them because they all just stood up and didn't say anything. We won that game without losing 1 man.

W-1 L-2

Game 3 put u sat the other side of the field. Not wanting Gnu to set a precedent I had the shortest of the shorties on point to watch our six. They tried the same move, but T2 headed them off and actually got them in the back as they had advanced past him. It was doen to Gnu and I with about 30 paintballs, and Gnu was cryig for cover fire. Yeah, right. 30 rounds is one burst for my triggerhappy ass. He advanced anyway and got their second-to-last guy out, as I strolled across the field in plain view like a Jedi. Their last guy shot at me 3 times and missed (another shorty) and then called himself out as I was 5 feet away and screaming "SURRENDER!" At the top of my lungs. After the game it turned out I had 5 balls left. Not bad.

W-2 L-2

Games 5 and 6 went pretty fast as I had lost my wallet on a terrible slide in game 4 and had to go back for it. When I got there I saw Gnu rapidly advancing and T2 wasn't out yet either. We won game 5 but lost one of our key players (not me) to the other side to even it up.

W-3 L-2

Game six and everyone was having marker problems. I was still feeling the effects of the night before so I didn't play again. T2 ran out of paintballs as Gnu had advanced past the 50 only to have gun problems as well. (I think he hit the safety accidentally, but I'm not sure. It worked fine after.) There was some controversery as to wether T2 was hit in the loader or not, so Gnu ran over to find out. Next thing I know T2 was leaving the field with Gnu's gun and 2 seconds later he was out as well. T2 was indeed shot but stayed in to switch guns with Gnu. See where cheating get's you? Nowhere. In retrospect he should have just left the gun on the ground and waked off, leaving room for Gnu in the bunker, but oh well. Combat can create tunnel-vision.

W-3 L-3

So that's it for today, kids. I'm nursing one jacked up elbow and some sore ass muscles, but I found my wallet and everything's gonna be alright.

AMF

TO: Rob@paintball.com
FROM: THE CAPTAIN
SUBJECT: Pod thievery: A code of conduct

Dear Rob, If you aren't the guy responsible for this stuff, please don't be offended and forward this email to whomever is.

Great job! I am totally impressed by your complete and utter lack of responsibility. Publishing an article about a code of conduct for properly stealing pods. Great idea. Support theft and mistrust on all local paintball fields. Help Kill our sport. That's a fine idea. Perhaps the next one could be

Paintball Terrorism: How to turn a game into an utter NIGHTMARE for everyone.

Seriously. I have never had a problem with people stealing my stuff. At our field we leave our cars unlocked, our spare gear just lying around, and our cases of paint utterly exposed to the world. But ever since your website published that poorly written bit of trash the field has been on lockdown. I'm afraid to set my gun down to go piss into the woods, for fear it will be parted out and left on cinders like a Honda Civic on the streets of new york. I've had 2 pods stolen just THIS WEEK. And I don't use the same crappy 2$ pods they sell at the discount paintball store, I buy the expensive Dye Lock-Lids. I put my website's stickers all over them. It doesn't make a difference.

So all of us over here locally just wanted to give you idiots 2 thumbs up for adding a new twist to the game. Get them before they get you! All we want to do is go to the park, play some ball and improve our skills. However, thanks to the laxed judgement of Paintball.com we can't even enjoy it for fear of having our expensive equipment stolen. Which just happens to also be illegal. You should be ashamed of yourselves. It may be funny to say "I'm a wiper" but deep down only losers really do it. I'm not talking about encouraging people to cheat. I'm talking about you incouraging young people who haven't properly developed their thought processes to break the law.

Don't bother to apologize, even if you do care. The damage is already done.

-Toad

Space Invaders

Ooo 3 posts in 2 days. You ARE lucky people. I'm gearing up for Mel and BJ's reception this weekend. And I'm pretty scared. No, not really. But I am opening the store on Saturday so I can get out there extra early, and I'm bringing some toys...

LINK-O-RAMA. (And remember, when you are all like "Shit man! That's your last guy" you ARE a nerd, and all your base are belong to me.)

*Snif Snif*

Well, I really hope it doesn't sell. Kinda.

Adulthood sucks.


Gyar.

( A true fan would bet on it and win, and then give it back to me>;-) )

Sonic Is Retarded!

I just got home from a trip to my local Sonic. If you don't know, Sonic is a carhop style restraunt. The marquee sign said "Half-price hamburgers on Tuesdays, 5pm-close." Yum. So I pulled up and ordered 2 supersonic cheeseburgers.
"Mayo or mustard?"
"Neither, just plain."
"Sir, would like mayo or mustard on your burgers?"
"Neither, All I want is meat and cheese." I dig catsup and onion, but I know the stuff at my house is fresh.
"That will be $7.39, thank you." Okay, that ain't half price. That actually seems slightly higher than full price, but our tax out here sucks.

KNOWLEDGE!!!
A typical customer will not say anything about a bad dining experience. Statistics show that 1 out ten people will say something, attemt to get a refund, etc. The other 9 will not return, tell other friends, etc. While I think of myself as a 1 percenter, in instances like this I fall into the "vast majority."

So I payed full price for my burgers, and when the carhop returned with my debit reciept, there was a big handwritten "X" over the tip portion. While I agreed with the "X" in this instance I have worked for tips, so I know better. ALWAYS TIP. If you aren't sure, tip twice as much as normal. But I asked the guy if I could tip him (I had no cash, and less than a dollar in my change cup) he said he wasn't able to change the amount on the card. I apologized, and he didn't seem to care.

SONIC IS RETARDED for 3 reasons. First, the order taker did not realize it was either "Tuesday," "After 5pm," or "before close." Second, she did actually mention that I had in fact ordered "burgers." And third, for making it seemingly impossible or at least very difficult to tip their employees.

Captain Toad, buying stuff and dealing with people, so you don't have to.

AMF

You're On Notice

OnNotice.php
Originally uploaded by Master Toad.

Spartans jersey final?

Spartans jersey final?
Originally uploaded by Master Toad.

This (may) be the final version of our paintball jersey, I have to talk to my rep at the printer, and I may need to actually add some logos. at least the 704d logo, and then mebbe diegostudios as well. Looks friggin good huh?

Overshooting Is Not A Crime!

First, A link to ZeFrank. Here. He is thinking so you don't have to! For those of you who don't know who Ze is he's been doing this internet thing for longer than I, and is much better at it. How's that for an endorsement. WARNING: Do not visit link unless you have hours to waste and no stiches in your sides.

And now to refer to the title of this post. Overshooting is a paintball term referring more or less to how many times you shoot an opponent. Shooting them twice is okay, wheras shooting them more than twice, say 30 times, is considered malicious overshooting. Being shot hurts, and no matter how tough you are getting hurt sucks. Gnu and I went paintballing on my birthday and last sunday, and several times i was the victim of overshooting. I'm not complaining. It's only because I was the last (best?) player on the field and the other team was a little too anxious to get me out and win the game. Once, it was 5 on 1 (me) and I was using a frigging tree as cover for my fat ass and I actually had to put my gun on the ground and stick both my hands up in the air to get them to stop. Funny, yes. But I lost, and that sucked. Later on, so did the welts.

Birthday action, then more on paintball.

I got up nice and early on my birthday (the 6th, for those of you just joining us) and went to pick Gnu up to go play paintball. It was an act of god that he was able to go, and I will be forever thankfull to all involved. We got to the field at about 9:45 or so, and there was practically no one there. we finally started at about 11am, and we played 4 games. Not worth mentioning, but we lost all of them and Gnu had to be home by 1 pm so we only got to play 4 games. It was fun, and a day full of getting the shit shot out of you is good for noobs to cut their teeth on. Makes 'em a little more fearless for the next time, if it doesn't scare them off. So I left Gnu at his homeand went back to shower and change before Strassenfest. It still sucked, but the brats were awesome. We only missed Johan and Christ by about 40 yards I found out last night, but what can you do? Back to Kilgor's after Strassenfest and then some Pho Grand. After that we went and saw Taladega nights, which was great. I slept all the way back to his house and then drove home for a 14 hour nap.

Paintball:week 2

We showed up at about 10:45 this time, and just barely got set up before the games started. Our first game, at the field called "mounds" which consists of a bunch of 5 foot sewer pipes was fun. I shot all my paint and ran out of air providing cover fire as Gnu belly crawled around sniping opponents. We won, but I was unable to play the next game (back-to-back switch sides format) as I was completely out of ammo. 540 paintballs shot, with no kills. Gnu shot about 100 or so. Between the first 2 ganes, he killed 6 people or so. I think I might have killed someone, as I was shooting at him and he walked off, but it could have been someone else.
After that we went into a small incredibly overgrown field that was more like a jungle. We lost game one as Gnu spent the whole match sneaking around (out of bounds, you tard) to the enemies rear end, but they called it as I was being shot 60 times and was the last player to be seen on our side. Gnu finally emerged, and another player on the opposite team asked if it was over.
"Well, he's on our side, "I said. " but he's going the wrong way." Then the ref yelled at everyone about crossing the yellow tape was out of bounds. Then he yelled at these 2 guys for about a minute about putting down their masks while on a playing field. He has to do this all the time and it pisses him off. Finally they realised he was yelling at them and they put their masks down.

Paintball History!

In the beginning, there were siongle shot pump action paintpistols or slingshots. Paintballs were invented as a way to easily mark and identify cattle without the inhumane branding. They were not water soluble, and were intended to be permament. Players played with these simple single shot guns and basic shop-style safety goggles. It was unusual to shoot more than 10 or 12 shots in a day, as these paintballs were expensive and hard to come by.
Today the guns are as sophisticated as your cell phone. They run on battery powered "boards" which are microprocessors that tell the gun how many paintballs to shoot. Full auto, 3 shot burst, or "ramping" modes are standard on most electronic guns. The paintballs are force-fed into the guns with battery powered hoppers or "loaders" and most guns can achieve a rate of over 15 Balls Per Second (BPS.) The speed cap is 300 Feet Per Second, or 200 MPH. There are ways around this, but it is CHEATING. On a normal day, with my 300$ marker I shoot about a case pf paint, or 2,000 paintballs. I have an itchy trigger finger.
Paintballs are dangerous. Our masks cover not only our eyes but our entire face, and several brands have released "full head protection" like a lightweight helmet. If you were to be shot in the eye at 300 FPS with a .68 caliber paint ball A. You would die. Or, B. your eye would be "ruined." Or C. Your eyeball would be sprung from you eye socket not busted, but sort of just dangling there. Incredibly painful, but possibly repairable. These three things are avoidable if you A. Keep your mask on, B. Keep your friggin mask on, or C. It's YOUR EYE, RETARD. KEEP YOUR DAMN MASK ON! The ref puts it on the table like this:
"You can either protect your eyes or I'll do it for you. My way's a lot less fun though, I'll send you home." I didn't say all that to scare anyone, paintballs a lot of fun, and very safe as well if you can follow the se 2 simple rules.
1. Keep your mask on.
2. Keep a barrel plug on your gun when not active so's you don't shoot anyone who's not playing/wearing a mask.

That's it.

Game 4 of the day brought me with still some paint and air and on the other side of the field. the one the "winners" occupied. Me and Gnu had a plan. He'd move up first and I'd cover him. when the ref said start, Gnu was not in front, so I went ahead. I got as close as I could, and then dove behind a bunker as paintballs wizzed by me. I poked my haed up for a head-check, and was struck immediately in the goggle, right where my forehead was.
"OUT!" I yelled, raised my gun, and stood up. I took 2 more in the chest (overshooting) and covered my balls and walked off through the grass, as quickly as I could, while providing dead-man cover for one of my other players to advance. It's not so much cheating as it is risking a volley of paintballs in the body to help my team advance. One of my personal favorite tactics. It's a moral battle. Do I shoot at the guy who is already out to tag the other player behind, or let him advance? I know what I'd do. With Gnu bellycrawling and generally having a better position, we won tha match as their last guy ran out of paint and called himself out. pussy.


Games 5&6 were on the "hyperball" court, the same size as the Mounds, but with smaller, more plentiful bunkers and a "snake" A smake is a set of bunkers that run more or less the length of the field and provide a strategic advantage, assuming you can take and hold the snake.
Gnu got out rather early and I had nothing to do for a while but get showered by paint as apparently I was the "mark" for the game. We were up on bodies till near the end of the game, when I thought there was only 1 guy left. I ran out from behind my bunker, spotted 2 others and proceded to run out of air. Not being a little bitch I ran at the nearest enemy housing bunker hoping that the sound of me shooting paintballs 5 feet might keep him down long enough for me to physically tag him out and forcibly take his gun. It didn't work, and he got me. The ball didn't break, but I knew there were a lot more coming and he knew I knew he knew I was out of air so I raised my hand. NO bonus balls for me, thanks. Frustrated, I ran back to the air tent and thankfully my other 2 team mates put up a fight, and I made it back for
Game 6
I was short on balls, only had about 200 or so. that sounds like a lot but to me that = about 3 min. if I play conservatively. "I rallied the team by stating "Okay guys, we gottta do this fast I'm almost out of paint." As the game started, I got behind a conservative big back bunker, and didn't shoot at all. next thing I know there is some dude crowding me. It's a really bad idea to double upo on a bunker. So I took a step back to survey the left side of the field, instead of just pushing this noob into the open, and proceeded to get lit up by an enemy in the snake. my only solice was that he was out jsut as fast as I could yell "SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE!" We won that game. you'll have to ask Gnu about his awesome story about hiding out in the open in the weeds.

So for they day our "team" was 5-1, and I had only gotten 2 confirmed kills, while Gnu reported 8. We are taking a week off, but hopefully we will return, to fight another day.

Wanna go? Gateway Paintball

AMF

Pagers? OMG!

I just go tdone showing the moms how to work dad's work pager because he forgot it and it was going off. A pager. Remember those? little black box that beeps or vibrates and shows a phone number? Nowadays they make cell phones smaller than pagers ever were, and caller ID shows who calls every time someone does. Man, technology is getting cool. I can't believe any company even supports pagers anymore. Only 3 buttons on them. No scroll-wheel, multicolor LCD screens, or cameras. Weird, huh?

It's True!

Take the quiz:
What kind of muscle car are you?

1968 Chevrolet Camaro Z28
You are a 1968 Chevrolet Camaro Z28. You love your car....your friends love your car and thats whats most important to you! Your car really hauls ass! You feel bad that they aren't making Camaros anymore....but don't worry...cuz you know they'll be back!

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Overkill or St. Louis Spec Ops

Overkill or St. Louis Spec Ops
Originally uploaded by Master Toad.

What you see, head to toe:
Empire E-Vent goggle system (culmination of my 27 th birthday money and savings.
Empire Ground Pounders chest vest. Allows more bounces than breaks!
Smart Parts Trinity Ion paintball marker with Empire Reloader 2 hopper, Smartparts Max Flow Micro ASA, 3000 psi nitro tank and DerDer Nation stickers.
Empire action pack 3+4 paintball pack w/ Dye 160 round lock-lid pods holding Evil/Proto paintballs (pods and paint not shown)
Ariakon Overlord paint pistol with RSS (Rapid Reload System) and an extra clip held in the
Ariakon right side leg holster for Ariakon paint pistols.

What you don't see: All this crap is HOT HOT HOT and it all cost about $975 plus the actual paintballs. The holster SUX and the hand gun with it's 10 rounds (per clip) is pretty useless compared to the 1120 balls for my Ion I can carry in my pack.

Boys and their toys...

It's Not...

I finally got the CoDec I needed to view the South Park that supposedly has the Bobskull logo on the guy's t-shirt. It's not. Sorry Agent 009, but thanks for the effort. I can, however, see the resemblance...

27 Year Old Burnout

I'm 27 now. Yay. I'm an adult now. I can't look at girls anymore, I have to look at women. No more boy finds girl boy loses girl, now it's Man wonders what the hell is going on!

Sorry. I like that song. Anyway (ooo, loading Limewire) I'm burnt out on my lifestyle. So I'm taking a toad vacation. 30 days (F/U Spurlock) on a booze minimum, almost nil video games, healthy eating (which I already do, but I'm running out of stuff) and no more wasting cash. The last thing I bought for myself for all of August was a new paintball mask. Image forthcoming. Oh, and I have allowed myself 2 nights out, 1 case of paintballs, and 1 12pack/bottle o' rum a week. Plus, I'm taking deliveries a lot, so that all comes out of my cash-in-hand. I'm expecting to crank out more JTHM, and some other creative things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cafepress is fired!

So I bought like 30$ of stuff from cafepress and spent 20 bucks on s&h so I could get it all on my birthday. The first shipment was a partial. It did include my Birthday Boy paintball tshirt, and the year one survivor coaster, as well as a B.O.B. mini button. I wish I had stopped there, becaust all these things were okay. but I also ordered a Toadsays sticker, and 2 other stickers from other seller's pages. these things came the next day, with the exception of the Toadsays sticker. Haven't seen it yet. They sent me a women's fitted T that advertises a website that is so crappy I won't even drive traffic to them. That was exactly a week ago. 2 days later, (I'm friggin patient) I emailed them a complaint. Haven't heard from them since. Fuggem. I'm going to leave the store open for all of your Huntertribute T needs, (It's the only item that sold anyway) but I'm going to be actively searching for a replacement. Not that any of you will buy anything anyway. But It's cool, between you and me, anyway.

YARG!

I'm goin gto give ya'all the low down on my B-day as soon as I think youare ready for it, but for now, you can just wish you were there.

AMF